TDM 001!!

[heckinmods]

[ SEE GAME NAVIGATION TO READ UP ON HECK GAME BEFORE PLAYING IF YOU SO DESIRE ]

A) MAY I OFFER U PIE IN THIS TRYING TIME(GARDEN LEVEL)
[OOPS YOU DIED. WELCOME TO THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL. If you're new here, have a sheep cherub or imp slap a "HI MY NAME IS--" sticker on you, and frantically explain "DON'T WORRY, WE'RE WORKING ON IT, WE'LL HAVE YOU OUT HERE....AT...SOME POINT..." Wack. Also, you may noticed that your body may or may not have changed. What's up with that??? Who cares, at least you have as spiffy new cell phone! You're also told you're free to take the elevators up to Heaven or down to Hell. Good luck!

In the mean time--join the garden party that's going on! Or at least, it seems like a party?? Except all they are serving is pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. The classics. For you more Carnivorous types, there's stuff like mince pie, and...the name is smudged, but maybe don't eat that one unless you're a cannibal.

But along with a variety of normal pies, if you accidentally eat a weird pie, your character might experience the following:
Vinegar Pie - It's tasty but suddenly you're compelled to blurt out an Insult or ruthlessly tease the next person you see.
"Sweet" Potato - If you're a normally grumpy or aggro character, this pie will suddenly make you want to be more affectionate! This can be anything from wanting to hold hands or saying genuine nice things.
Humble Pie - Suddenly you feel complimenting or praising others and might downplay your own achievements, or insult yourself.

You can probably shake off the effects, but hey. Free pie!! ]


B) LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE (HELL LEVEL)
[TIME TO EXPLORE. Today in the Hell Level, the Hotel (Ho-hell? Helll-tel? Okay just Hotel) it's time for spring cleaning! Wait, didn't they just have that? An Imp says yes, but this is a different type of cleaning. Time to TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!!!

Which is to say, out of no where you might receive a PUNCH in the face by a local, or an imp! If the latter it's like being bapped by a sick little lamb. Still, even if a local punches you, you suddenly heal immediately? That's right, TODAY ONLY, this is a 'get into a scrap injury free' spring holiday, and you can rough house as much as you want with each other today in the Hotel, and NO DAMAGE will remain! Ever wanted to get cut in half and suddenly stitch back together? WELL TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

If you're not into PG rated guro however, why don't you try exploring:
-The clubs! The nightlife in hell is FANTASTIC and genuinely fun!
-Games! Along with casinos galore, there are also normal arcades! Any game you can imagine, it exists.
-Or explore parts of Hell's Hotel that don't involve getting into a dogpile! ]


C) MARCH COMES IN LIKE....(HEAVEN LEVEL)
[TODAY IN HEAVEN THOUGH, there are advertisements for the ZOO!! A zoo in heaven?? Fuck yea!! But when you get there you see nothing but...........lions. And lambs. Just, everywhere. They aren't fighting though, but being super cute and soft and have tiny wings. You can pet them and pick them up--well the lambs at least. The lion might crush you. But you're dead anyway so give it a shot champ!!

Local angels explain that every 'spring' the zoo does this, and it's a sign of good fortune! You might wonder why you need good fortune in Heaven, but fuck it, when it Rome!! If you stick around long enough the zoo will change back to 'normal' and you can find other animals to gawk at.

If zoos aren't your thing though, check out heaven's:
-BEACH!! How is there an ocean and sandy white beach in the sky! Who cares, it's heaven! Beach episode time!
-Coffee shops! There are no coffee shops in hell! LIVE YOUR COFFEE AU DREAMS.
-Or just explore the Heavenly hotel in general!]

D) WILDCARD
[DO WHATEVER ELSE or send text messages on your phone!! ]


OOC NOTES:
-This TDM is open to all! For now, you do NOT need to join the comm to play in it!
-Post questions for the mods here
-Remember, playing in the TDM does NOT guarantee your entry or app being accepted into the game proper later down the line!
-Apps open next Sunday! Be sure to read the rules linked there and check the current taken list!
-For current players: TDMs count as game canon AND threads may be used for AC if you wish!

Comments

[cutepolicewoman]

[Her shoulders droop as her heart sinks even lower. Her eyes drift down to the ground. When she speaks, she sounds on the verge of tears.]

…It’s because I’m scary-looking, isn’t it?

[nestingdevil]

Are you. [He doesn't ask, doesn't even bother to. There's no answer Envy could give that would satisfy him, no excuse to dampen the heat beginning to simmer, twist, and writhe in his core like a hot-fevered parasite. Because he knows how this begins and how it ends.]

[Between Jealousy and Avarice, there can only be one.]

[Greed's heels scuff the floor as he walks closer. Slowly. Deliberately. Deadly.] Oh? Have you forgotten in your old age? [He spits Envy's venom right back at him on a forked tongue that knows nothing else when it comes to his kind.] Does that ring a bell? Do you remember that?

[Oh, and how cold greed can be. How cold, lifeless, and downright disinterested it can become, given the right circumstances. The Sin's tail buzzes, soft and low. But before long, it's too loud. Too quick, too alarming, and he can hear it in his ears, but he doesn't seem to care.]

[He gets within inches of Envy and the smell of carbon on him is as thick and damning as sulfur.] Sure. Have a drink - [Greed's grin splits his face from ear to ear, threatening to snap his skin right off his jaw. He grabs another cup on the counter and when his claws snare the glass, the points of them scream into it; like nails splintering along a chalkboard.]

- let's find you your poison.

[charmdefensive]

Chaos and Fun are synonyms!

There's other things you can be in between polite and vicious... I'd say I'm more, "frisky!" or something.

[kuchisake_shojo]

I think that'd be just fine.

Heaven tearing itself apart, that is.

Puts everyone on the same footing.

[kuchisake_shojo]

...I can tell.

[ Her eyes widen. Magical? Pie expansion? Who is this woman???

Runa's pie even looks tastier. ]

Whoa. Y-you really like to... enjoy the good things.

[respectless]

[Velvette's gotten herself a new sleek dark red convertible. It's stylish, a four seater, and the perfect thing to flaunt the Vees' success in. Overall, she's in a good mood. Or rather, she was in a good mood until she sees Fizzarolli and Blitzo just up the street throwing down with Mammon, of all possible people to wind up in Hell.]

God-fucking-dammit!

[She slams on the brakes and her car comes to a screeching halt. She's got to do something about this - Blitzo is security staff and Fizzarolli is talent as well as a prospective business partner. She can't let anyone, not even a Sin, get away with fucking with her business assets.

Still, though, Mammon is the ruler of the Greed Ring. Hardly a pushover. The handgun in her purse isn't going to kill him. It's a high enough caliber that it may do some damage, but nothing that will do more than slow him down.

/Think, Velvette, think./

The only thing that comes to mind is using his own greedy nature against him. So when she hops out of the car, she wraps a scrunchie with a shiny gold clip around a wad of bills and loudly hollers out an announcement.]

ATTENTION BITCHES, BROS AND NON-BINARY HOS! FREE MONEY! RIGHT HERE! FREE MONEY! COME AND GET IT!

[She holds the bundle up as high as she can and waves it around to make sure Mammon can't possibly miss it, then pitches it as far away from her car as she can muster. Mammon had better hurry over, because there are plenty of locals who are scrambling in that direction, eager for free money.]

[bloodyrose]

[ He shrugs. ]

Maybe something will happen later. Who knows. I'll deal with it when or if it does.

text: bigbaddad.

[applesolutely]

Bee?
You're here too?
First Oz, then me, now you?

Wow, someone's really got a thing for sin in this place!
They supposedly don't even know who I am but they're pulling all of us here?
Iiiii don't know how I feel about that!

[ it's SUSPICIOUS. it's SO suspicious. bee, tell him it's suspicious with him, he needs the validation. ]

[applesolutely]

Dressed like rabbits? Sounds horrifying.

[ he's more of a duck man himself... no! focus, focus. he doesn't like talking about the exterminations, not really, for so many reasons it'd make almost anyone's head spin, but this part, this much, is fine.

however: ]

I have no idea who Killjoy is. I don't watch TV! I'll take your word for it.

[ daddy morningstar... he squints hard. but... nope! there's clearly no connotation there. daddy kinks whomst? he does not understand. rip in mcfucking pieces, lucifer morningstar. still: ] Hey, hey, I have no desire to be some kind of overarching father figure, yeugh! Leave that to someone else. [ with a glance upward. he has no idea that he just told the universe to daddy kink his own father. good for him.

as far as the rest of what she says though, he glances away. ]

You think I don't know that? That doesn't mean I'm not going to stop it from happening where I can. It's good that she can see the good in people even when there clearly isn't any, but, as you so cheekily implied, it's not fun at all to see her sad! She deserves better.

[behemoth_betrayed]

Hm... only to me, and friends of mine.

I suppose we'll all get to see each other's fangs eventually, if we're trapped here long enough. At least it's something exciting to look forward to?

B! I am fashionably late /hair flip

[succinainteasy]

[ A new challenger has appeared! And looks more than a little surprised to see the Queen Bee here. Did Sinsmas come early this year? She's been a relatively good girl.. no, scratch that, that's a complete and utter lie. Either way, she is going to slide into a seat and rest her elbows against the bar, propping up her face on the backs of her hands. ]

Fuck him. Like he would've appreciated it anyways.

[ Of course it's the one time she left her flask back at the hotel. Who is she to refuse a beverage from her? Whatever it is, it's bound to be something with a kick. Has she been to one or a dozen of Bee's famous parties before? You bet your ass she has, so the smile she gives her is probably a familiar one. ]

So. What's a girl gotta do around here to get a drink?

[succinainteasy]

Only if you're a kid getting your picture taken with one of them.

[ The look she gives him at the realization that he doesn't know who Katie Killjoy is.. well, it's something. ]

Really? She's only the bitch who bullied Charlie on live TV where everyone could see it. You seriously didn't hear about that? Well, looks like the cat's out of the bag now. She was plugging that redemption hotel thing and Killjoy roasted her for it. They were literally brawling on the news desk.

[ Lucifer, you are her dad, how does she know about this but you don't? She's also come to the realization that when people said Lucifer didn't get out much, they meant he didn't get out at all. Christ, is he a boomer? ] Not what that means but sure.

[ Does he know that? He doesn't seem to know much about his kid, but at least she doesn't voice her opinion. ] So give her better? People get hurt every day, even someone as powerful as you can't block out everything. Just, I don't know, prepare her, like any dad would. Those rose-colored glasses of hers aren't gonna do her any favors.

I wore them once too. [ She laughs, rubbing at one of her arms. ] The faster the band-aid is ripped off the better.

"One-Eyed Angel" plays ominously in the distance

[infinitecruelty]

[But no, seriously, how did she get up there without him noticing? Judging by her size, so it makes sense that she must not weigh much of anything, but usually Envy is better attuned to his surroundings. He'll have to pay better attention from now on if he wants to save his ass.

But... this is interesting, isn't it? She's some odd-eyed little thing with an apparent penchant for wanton violence! Really it could always be worse, she could instead be crying about him hUrTiNg InNoCeNt PeOpLe and sucking all the fun out of his afternoon. If he had to choose, he'd take the cheerfully creepy miniature cyclops any day.]

Oh, yeah?

[He slows the thrashing of his tail and sweeps it around to his front to get a better look at the little girl(????) clinging to his scaly behind. The imp scrambles in the sin's loosened grasp while he's distracted, eventually wriggling out of his claws and making a mad dash for safety.]

Huh- hey! Get back here! [Well, there he goes.]

[After making absolutely zero effort to chase after the imp, Envy heaves a dramatic sigh and slaps all four hands on his waist and hips as he turns sharply back to his petite passenger.] Dammit, Tiny. You let him get away!

[Envy don't gaslight the poor girl, you don't even know if she deserves it or not yet!]

[succinainteasy]

No threats whatsoever? [ You know, like punching phallic water statues where everyone can see it? Nothing like that, big guy? ]

He has about as much common sense as a newborn. He nearly got hogtied his first day here and I had to save his ass—me, I'm not even a fighter! All I had on me was a nailfile and a short skirt, of course I talked my way out of it. They were obviously gonna assault him, he was floored that someone could think of him like that. [ She counts on her fingers: ] He looks rich, is hot and kind of a pushover. Are they normally that sheltered?

[ She's still wrapping her mind around the fact that that is Blitzø's type now, maybe she hasn't seen the whole picture yet. ]

The Vees are here, all three of them, and the Radio Demon. [ Is that.. annoyance? Yes, yes, it is. She'll never forgive that creep for slapping an ad for his stupid radio show on her flank. On her flank, Ozzie! At least she seems to simmer down when Charlie is the highlight of the conversation. ]

She's tougher than she looks. Why don't you go visit her? With a little warning so she doesn't think you're gonna step on her too.

[cockadoodledome]

Little more personable than, say, Asmodeous, Lord of Lust, King of the Ring. [He likes those titles, don't get him wrong. They're who he is, now. Who he's been for a long heckin time. But unless he has to go all Scary Dog, they're not that necessary.] But I gotta say, "Ochako-chan" is just as cute.

[WINK.]

You think maybe they've been lied to, and they're just passing on the misinformation? [The bits and pieces about people coming from dangerous situations is something to file away. He can't say his own situation had been anything like that, though. It had been a pretty nice moment, actually.]

[But more importantly, what she does with her hands is fascinating. It makes his eyebrows climb up to the flaming crown of his hairline.]

[Also maybe important for later.]

[Because for now? Sounded Italian.]

Fizzarolli? [Oh god Ochako, his voice just hit an octave close to a squeal there. Shhh he's. Just. Really into his weird little robo bf.] Was that him??

[cockadoodledome]

It's just a thing, back in Hell. You can just do it, if you're high enough in the food chain - so to speak.

[Or literally, in some cases. Which he is not. A case like that. Unless you count eggs. Does that count?]

[Not important.]

Ughh... If I must.

[twominutes]

I always got it!

[ well, that's true. oz really does roll over almost any time fizz asks for literally anything: he can't even remember the last time he got told no. someone else might worry about that, but frankly it's not like fizz is nuts and asking for much. he still gets goosebumps over the smallest measures of affection; he's easy.

anyway, he's going to skirt past the mammon talk to continue: ]

I do feel oddly good here. I don't want to stay forever, but, you know, I like it for now. The only thing missing now is my precious babies.

[ with a wistful sigh. man, he'd love to have a little shapeshifting, but he also might get too obsessed with changing how he looks. oh well, no matter right now.

he's too busy cackling, nuzzling right into oz's face while he gets spun around. his grin is absolutely wicked when he speaks again. ]

Hey, Ozzie. You wanna ████ in the elevator on the way down? Let me ████ your ████ and you can ████ my ████████ and then ████ with a taste of ████ for good measure.

[ okay, so this is definitely sexy mad libs at this point, but also, as long as it's horny he's going to accept any interpretation of his speech. ]

[cockadoodledome]

you are welcome in my place any time
unless im workin
you know how it is

but yes the hotel
watch out for the lobby btw it looks a little wrathy down there

awww
youre going to make me blush
i appreciate it i really do
hes the best thing i ever had

well if michael ever DOES show his face here
seems like he'd be outnumbered
>:) >:) >:)

[cockadoodledome]

apparently we "died"



im gonna wait while you laugh as hard as i did
imagine that huh??

nah its some knockoff hell AND heaven
AND they let us in upstairs
get a load of THAT

[pageantmom]

He stabbed me in the fuckin' face!

[ Of course he's having some trouble, you little fuck. The nerve of some people, trying to fell a guy like this was some kind of David and Goliath rip-off. Would it make money? Maybe. It's not a completely shit concept, the sick fucks in Hell always did dig a little gore. He's about midway through his musings, having expected the pair to just stumble off, but then one of them has to swing his dick around. Or, rather, his robotic limbs. Mammon hits the dirt hard but jerks his head around to glare at him. ]

You little shit! I was willing to let ya walk away, you're testing my patience, boy! The only one who's gonna get fucked is—

[ And then, like an angel descending from the heavens above, a fat wad of cash is raining down. So here he is, kiddies, the man, the myth, the legend: Mammon! Who is launching himself skyward the second Fizz releases his legs, only to inevitably bellyflop atop of a bunch of imps who had the nerve to wiggle out of the shadows to try and claim his prize for themselves. Not only will they have the pleasure of witnessing the Sin do a happy little jig once he has collected all the cash, but they'll also be able to see the carnage caused by those metallic legs when they actually have a target in mind. ]

Fuck you, you stupid [ HONK ]! Did you think you were gonna take this from me? Mammon?!

[ In a fair fight, powers capped or otherwise, he would have destroyed them in a fight. At least that's what he'll tell his publicist when the rights to his new book finally drop. He's no runner, he simply found something more suited to his interests at the time. Either way, he turns that wicked cheshire grin on the car and its soon-to-be occupants while letting out a booming bit of laughter. Really, he can't wait for the next time.

Next time? He'll be taking more than wing. ]

[twominutes]

[ blitzø is bleeding black from the wound in his shoulder as he books it toward fizz and mammon is shouting shit but he can't hear it thanks to the blood pounding in his ears sounding like rushing water so loud nothing else matters. he doesn't hear what blitzø says either, too overcome with what he's caused.

blitzø got hurt because of him. protecting fizz. because fizz couldn't fucking play along with mammon for ten fucking minutes until he could get oz to where he was.

it's the shriek of tires that finally drag him out of it, that have him grabbing for blitzø's good shoulder as soon as he's close enough, eyes wild and frantic. ]

We have to—

[ wait, that's velvette? she's—

—shit, fuck, he doesn't need to get someone else on mammon's shit list. but since it's money and she's throwing it where mammon can get it, maybe it's fine? it's probably fine. mammon loves money more than anything else.

he realizes, belatedly, that he's dissociating again. he snaps himself out of it and turns to haul ass toward the car as best he can with blitzø both in tow and helping fizz move. the broken leg drags along behind him, still in a slightly extended state because it can't fully retract now that it's busted.

they get to the car, they should be hopping in, he can hear mammon's horrible booming laugh and that's the final straw.

he holds up a hand before he can be dragged into the vehicle, one finger pointed in a 'hang on' gesture.

then he leans over to the side and pukes from a mixture of pain, anxiety, guilt, and terror. he makes sure it's not getting on anything but the ground because he doesn't want to be even more of a bother. ]

Sorry. I'm good now.

[ yeah, as soon as he says it, he starts to list to the side, his grip on blitzø slackening because he's too woozy from the blood loss to reliably control the motors. ]

[helluvamess]

[There's a car and while Blitzø barely knows Velvette, he can tell a chance at escape when he sees it. He's half dragging, half carrying Fizz towards the vehicle, doing his best to ignore the golden blood that's fucking everywhere and telling himself over and over that he just needs to get Fizz into the car and then he can focus on that.

He starts to protest as Fizz stops them right at the fucking car what the fuck, and glances back, half expecting to see Mammon charging for them. The Sin's still busy turning unfortunate other imps into paste and as Fizz finishes puking, Blitzø bundles them both into the car and drags the door shut.]

Let's get the fuck out of here!

[He'll owe Velvette later and is pretty sure she's not likely to forget it either, but right now he's ripping his coat off and shoving it against Fizz's bleeding wound.]

Where's a fucking hospital in this place?!

[helluvamess]

So you're in knock-off Hell too now? The whole "oh no we accidentally bought you here" bullshit?

[princess_of_hell]

[She kinda shrugs.]

Well, it was just a day, and the creepy embassy...

[pause]

Oh, you mean this heaven! A little bit. I did some busking. Got a little bit of tips! Made friends with angels and demons who were up there for some reason.

[respectless]

Later fucker! Try a diet plan or five!

[It's Velvette's parting shot, combined with a middle finger and mocking laughter, as she revs the car engine and peels out. If she's going to piss off a Sin, she's at least going to do it with sass. Once they're a safe enough distance from Mammon, she slows down a bit.]

No idea, never had to find one.

[She mulls on it for a moment. She's already helped this much, might as well make sure neither of them bleed out. Especially Fizzarolli. That's a lot of angelic blood.]

I'm taking you two to Neo-V Tower. I know how to stitch wounds.