TDM 001!!

[heckinmods]

[ SEE GAME NAVIGATION TO READ UP ON HECK GAME BEFORE PLAYING IF YOU SO DESIRE ]

A) MAY I OFFER U PIE IN THIS TRYING TIME(GARDEN LEVEL)
[OOPS YOU DIED. WELCOME TO THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL. If you're new here, have a sheep cherub or imp slap a "HI MY NAME IS--" sticker on you, and frantically explain "DON'T WORRY, WE'RE WORKING ON IT, WE'LL HAVE YOU OUT HERE....AT...SOME POINT..." Wack. Also, you may noticed that your body may or may not have changed. What's up with that??? Who cares, at least you have as spiffy new cell phone! You're also told you're free to take the elevators up to Heaven or down to Hell. Good luck!

In the mean time--join the garden party that's going on! Or at least, it seems like a party?? Except all they are serving is pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. The classics. For you more Carnivorous types, there's stuff like mince pie, and...the name is smudged, but maybe don't eat that one unless you're a cannibal.

But along with a variety of normal pies, if you accidentally eat a weird pie, your character might experience the following:
Vinegar Pie - It's tasty but suddenly you're compelled to blurt out an Insult or ruthlessly tease the next person you see.
"Sweet" Potato - If you're a normally grumpy or aggro character, this pie will suddenly make you want to be more affectionate! This can be anything from wanting to hold hands or saying genuine nice things.
Humble Pie - Suddenly you feel complimenting or praising others and might downplay your own achievements, or insult yourself.

You can probably shake off the effects, but hey. Free pie!! ]


B) LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE (HELL LEVEL)
[TIME TO EXPLORE. Today in the Hell Level, the Hotel (Ho-hell? Helll-tel? Okay just Hotel) it's time for spring cleaning! Wait, didn't they just have that? An Imp says yes, but this is a different type of cleaning. Time to TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!!!

Which is to say, out of no where you might receive a PUNCH in the face by a local, or an imp! If the latter it's like being bapped by a sick little lamb. Still, even if a local punches you, you suddenly heal immediately? That's right, TODAY ONLY, this is a 'get into a scrap injury free' spring holiday, and you can rough house as much as you want with each other today in the Hotel, and NO DAMAGE will remain! Ever wanted to get cut in half and suddenly stitch back together? WELL TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

If you're not into PG rated guro however, why don't you try exploring:
-The clubs! The nightlife in hell is FANTASTIC and genuinely fun!
-Games! Along with casinos galore, there are also normal arcades! Any game you can imagine, it exists.
-Or explore parts of Hell's Hotel that don't involve getting into a dogpile! ]


C) MARCH COMES IN LIKE....(HEAVEN LEVEL)
[TODAY IN HEAVEN THOUGH, there are advertisements for the ZOO!! A zoo in heaven?? Fuck yea!! But when you get there you see nothing but...........lions. And lambs. Just, everywhere. They aren't fighting though, but being super cute and soft and have tiny wings. You can pet them and pick them up--well the lambs at least. The lion might crush you. But you're dead anyway so give it a shot champ!!

Local angels explain that every 'spring' the zoo does this, and it's a sign of good fortune! You might wonder why you need good fortune in Heaven, but fuck it, when it Rome!! If you stick around long enough the zoo will change back to 'normal' and you can find other animals to gawk at.

If zoos aren't your thing though, check out heaven's:
-BEACH!! How is there an ocean and sandy white beach in the sky! Who cares, it's heaven! Beach episode time!
-Coffee shops! There are no coffee shops in hell! LIVE YOUR COFFEE AU DREAMS.
-Or just explore the Heavenly hotel in general!]

D) WILDCARD
[DO WHATEVER ELSE or send text messages on your phone!! ]


OOC NOTES:
-This TDM is open to all! For now, you do NOT need to join the comm to play in it!
-Post questions for the mods here
-Remember, playing in the TDM does NOT guarantee your entry or app being accepted into the game proper later down the line!
-Apps open next Sunday! Be sure to read the rules linked there and check the current taken list!
-For current players: TDMs count as game canon AND threads may be used for AC if you wish!

Comments

we dont judge here

[twominutes]

[ by the time mammon drops him, it's unclear what's going on with fizz, but there's a flat expression on his face and he feels cold. like he's going into shock or something, maybe. he doesn't think that because he's too busy dissociating to try and head off the incoming wrench of more pain.

—but blitzø is there, blitzø is stabbing the absolute fuck out of mammon and fizz topples through midair, too discombobulated to catch himself as he lands in a pile on the ground. he tries to stand but one leg is completely offline while the other sparks dangerously from the treatment mammon gave it. fixable, he hopes, but not something that can be done immediately.

but the one that's just off... he snaps into cognizance again already in the process of trying the little tricks he uses when a leg goes haywire but not broken, smacking it where it connects, twisting it to make sure it's in the right spot. he's not even aware he's crying now, sobbing really, big gulping breaths making his chest hitch over and over.

he just talked a big game about being able to go out by himself and take care of himself and this is immediately what happened. and now blitzø is in danger too! fuck!

he shudders when his severed wing slaps onto the ground in front of the other imp, and he should do so many things, he should fucking grovel so at least he can try to force blitzø to—

—to leave him there.

isn't it funny? isn't it so goddamn motherfucking funny that he wants blitzø to bail on him but he knows now that he won't? fuck! they're both gonna die and it's gonna be fizz's fault!

he starts to laugh suddenly, high-pitched and hysterical, and he drags himself up by using his arms wrapped around a light pole. he wobbles and his legs are at weird, useless angles, but he's not sprawled on the ground. ]

Mammon, I hope that when you die, it's because you got so engrossed in sniffing your wads of cash while jerking off that when you shoot your load and moan out money, you inhale the ████ing bills and choke on them.

[ i beg your—i beg your pardon? ]

Wildcard - Action

[unpaidovertime]

[Nanami has seen multiple people here who struggle with technology he is familiar with and it's making him wonder why they bother with so many things the residents don't know how to use. But with the same bored tone he might use to ask for the time or comment on the weather:]

Using your claws is the wrong approach. The screen reacts to heat as well as pressure, you are only supplying one input and that makes it inaccurate. You should look into a model with an actual keyboard.

[helluvamess]

[He's wrenched painfully free, the knife tearing a furrow in Mammon's skin as Blitzø refuses to release it. Then he's flying through the air, the world a dizzying moment before impact and the breath leaves him. Blitzø hits the ground hard but forces himself back up. Fizz is badly injured, he hasn't got the time to just lay there and try to catch his breath. He forces his lungs to suck in air, shakes his head to try and clear the spots... and sees Fizz's wing hit the ground in front of him.

The sound he makes is an inhuman shriek of rage and he's moving again. At this point he can't even register what either of them is saying, his focus is just on returning the damage. He knows as well as Fizz does that this isn't going to end well, but there's still some vague hope that he can draw the worst of the focus and give his friend a chance to escape.

His gun is out and firing at Mammon as Blitzø darts towards him, coming from the opposite direction of where Fizz is, forcing the Sin to choose a target. He knows his bullets aren't likely to do shit, but it's a distraction as he darts in close and slashes at Mammon's tiny stupid fucking legs with his angelic blade, hoping he can maybe get the Sin on the ground or get behind him. He's relying purely on speed and distraction and knows that neither are guaranteed to work in his favour.]

Fizz! Get the fuck out of here!

[cockadoodledome]

Asmodeus. [In response to her "sir" address. He sets his teacup down, extending a hand to her in greeting.] But most decent folks call me "Ozzie".

[Some indecent ones. Some actual assholes too. But it's clear this kid isn't one of those. She also seems quite young. Some of that Oz Charm goes back in the box. But not all of it. He can't turn all of it off, after all. That goes against his nature.]

So we're not dead. We're just... magically stuck here. From some kinda crap portal. All right. Better than being dead. But why lie to us about it?

[That's kind of a rhetorical question. He doubts she's got an answer. And sips casually at his tea while she lists off people. A couple of them ring a bell. Alastor is a name he knows. Angel Dust too - porn and lust and all. An "owl" could be a lot of people... but then -]

[He drops the cup.]

Jester? You get his name?

[cockadoodledome]

Now that, I can do.

[He does a little flourish thing with his hands. Which... does nothing. His expression darkens almost immediately.]

Right. No portals. We're walking then.

[UGH, like PLEBS.]

[cockadoodledome]

yeah he is
if its the moth guy with the bad coat then hes stealing my vibe
and harshing it

hell no
literally
i am right where i belong baby

[cockadoodledome]

Just the bed? It's a reunion, not a first date.

[Enjoy that mental image. More mental image. Something like that.]

For that. Exactly that. Once again, you swoop in where I can't for Fizz. So thank you.

[Accept his thanks, Blitzø dammit.]

[cockadoodledome]

[He shrugs. Not that it really matters now, what with it being broadcast literally everywhere in hell. How they got away with it for so long? It's really anyone's guess.]

Guess my people know when they need to keep things quiet. That's all I got. [Sure, he wasn't totally all affable boss. Someone runs around and blabs what they see around his place, in private, they wish they didn't. Quickly. He looks out for what's his. And Fizz?]

[His boyfriend. So there.]

Ah, that explains why the little angel girl was talking about an 'owl' earlier... [Stolas, huh? And mostly Pride showing up? Interesting.] Anybody else I should know about? [He's going to give her a raise. Or... something. He can't exactly give her one here, but it's the principle of the thing.]

Charlie? She's here too? [Oh no there goes another delighted look.] I haven't seen her in ... [Uhhhhhhhhhh.] Way too long!

[darkweb]

Haha! Did you set up a portal network where you were before? Impressive indeed!

[Asmodeus seems to be used to it, and is going along with it pretty easily, so Taranza will just fully fall into the habit of praise and deference. It's like a hobby he's indulging in.]

I have to admit that would make everything much more convenient. The best they've got are elevators.

[pageantmom]

[ My boy, how do you know he moans the word money while surrounded by all his towers of hard earned cash? The statement is so profoundly bizarre and specific that he cranes his neck to give him a what the fuck glance, giving the other imp ample time to dash beneath his feet and cripple one of his legs.

If his earlier cry was inhuman then the one Mammon lets out is a step or two above it. The frustration and unfamiliar, painful sensations ripping through his body are enough to make him realize he needs to whip out the big guns. Fast. One last stand before he inevitably slinks away to lick at his wounds. ]

He’s not going anywhere with those legs, neither are you. Should’ve taken care of you at the gate, you fucking [ HONK ]!

[ Blitzø has him crouched on one knee but he ought to savor the moment as long as he can because, after trying to stand up again and finding he can’t, Mammon lets out frustrated scream that reverberates off the walls before seeming to do his disappearing act.

But he hasn’t disappeared, perhaps Fizz can warn him before a flurry of spider-like appendages explode out of the cloud. In his rage he isn’t even aiming precisely, he is going for any piece of the imp he can get at this point. An eye for an eye, as it were.

He wants his attention? He has it. All of it. ]

What’ll you do, then? You gonna be the big fuckin’ hero or are ya gonna let him bleed out? Not gonna lie, he’s looking a little green.

[ Self-preservation at its finest, the idea of sticking around and having the dumpster diver hack away at him when he is unaware of his freshly acquired limits is about as off putting as taking a sick day. ]

Tick tock, boy.

[immaimmaimmabee]

[It's definitely harshing her buzz. But what does she do when she spots Husk? She perks up instantly.]

Oh heeeey! [She flutters over, hands a blur conjuring a second drink - for herself.] Guess I'm not a total nobody on this ring - the disrespect is ****ing unreal.

[Points at Husk, finger making shapes in the air.] Do I know you? You an Overlord, or whatever they call em now?

[immaimmaimmabee]

OZ????? oh **** now its a party

i just turned up
whats the deal with hell did lucifer go on a depressing redecorating spree or what

[immaimmaimmabee]

[A fair reaction. Bee knows more than her fair share of folk who're wholly unused to her, or her lifestyle. Such is the life of a Sin; it lets you meet all kinds.]

Oh yeah? Me too! [Holds up her own plate in one hand, and another of her multiple limbs reaches over to swirl a hand over it. The pie, an ordinary slice, is suddenly much, much larger.] Here, lemme top you off, baby.

[With a wink she does the same gesture to Runa's plate. Enjoy your heaping helping, girl. With all the toppings.]

[twominutes]

[ don't ask stupid questions that dredge up more weird trauma, jeez. ok no he's just taking a wild guess but it looks like he hit the jackpot.

anyway, as soon as mammon 'disappears,' fizz is shouting. ]

Look out! He's not going anywhere!

[ it's hoarse but loud, enough to get the point across a split-second before those spidery limbs shoot out. even though he can tell it's not targeted, not aimed anywhere in particular, he panics (again) and slams the side of his fist into the junction of where metal leg meets organic thigh and the lights at the joint shudder once, twice, before lighting up.

thank fuck. ]

Having trouble without all your powers, Mammon? Did no one tell you that you're not as strong as you are back home?

Well, get ████ed!

[ he's too far away to do much, just out of reach of his arms, so he holds onto the pole with one arm and limp-drags himself closer behind the sin, just enough so that he can extend his other arm to its limit and wrap it around all those spidery little stabbers to tighten them together and keep them from moving as he yanks them down toward the ground.

sure, he still feels like he's gonna puke or pass out or both and there are gold splatters all over the ground around him (and on his face, and torso, and everywhere from when mammon shook the wing), but at least he can do something. ]

[applesolutely]

Deeply jealous of you still getting to be in Hell.
I can go down there, of course, but it's just not the same!
I'm assuming the hotel?
I'll be there soon.

Look at you, being cute and domestic!
It's a good look on you, Oz.
I'm glad you two seem so happy.

Those are strong words, but you're not wrong.
Mammon's a piece of shit but at least he didn't do what Michael did.

[applesolutely]

Oh, they don't change! Ever.

[ hahaha...ha...ha... he's fine. it's fine! the look charlie gives him stills him a moment though; just a moment. he takes a breath and gives her a cautious smile, then hops to his feet and holds out his hand to her again.

he knows she doesn't need it. that's not the point. ]

You've been around long enough to explore Heaven, huh?

[ not that he wants to spend any more time there than strictly necessary, but... ]

[applesolutely]

Hm! I regret saying anything at all.

[ however... ]

You know, usually, I'd at least try to pretend to be put out that you're a villainous psychopath but you know what? They're angels. I don't care!

[ as far as what goes on in hell, he considers a moment before shrugging. ]

I'll deal with it when the time comes. And as far as pranks go, those are pretty mild... Not to say that some of them don't get freaky about it! I don't doubt that from denizens of Hell for a single second. [ then, a little wry: ] It's not like I can call anyone out for having a chip on their shoulder about 'Heavenly beings.'

[applesolutely]

[ in lucifer's universe, the only thing older than him is god himself. the first, the favorite, the most loved! until everything went to shit, of course. michael was created at the very second that lucifer was, as well, so even his 'twin' isn't really older than him.

he'd helped, with the big bang. helped put everything in place. it was good, to be so busy for a while. something new and exciting. ]

Sometimes people just haven't seen the joy of it yet. Maybe they need a swift kick in the ass.

[ he watches this whole thing with open interest, though his eyes squint slightly at the display. once his hand is free again, he takes it back. how strange! ]

I really don't like the concept of there being controlling aspects of this place even further than there already are.

ooh ooh SHARE

[infinitecruelty]

[The sin frowns, shoulders dropping like all four of his arms suddenly weigh a ton.

This girl is fitted with blades, and here he is without proper protection! This scuffle would not end in his favor, and grabbing her to chuck her like a javelin seems like a real bad idea right now.]

[He waves the left set of hands dismissively.]

Actually, never mind. Don't worry about it.

[grumpface]

[Wait, huh? Gluttony has the power to censor herself? Huh...]

...This ain't really our hell, but yeah, I'm tryin' to work myself into bein' an Overlord here. And yes, I'm supposed to be a sinner demon.

[Husk briefly eyes the drinks. ...The fuck are those? He's never seen that mix before.]

The whole system here is... really broken. It's even pullin' imps from our hell and makin' them angels. Like Fizzaroli.

[infinitecruelty]

Oh.

[To be completely honest, half of this guy's explanation is lost on Envy. "Keyboard" means nothing, but his mind manages to assemble some combination of a switchboard and a typewriter... which is sort of what's happening here in this little box, right?

Applying heat and pressure makes enough sense, so he attempts to use the pads of his fingers instead of his claws, which does seem to be working a little better, even if it does make him look pretty silly.]

Huh. Hey, thanks.

[Thank you, living tutorial man, for being so helpful. Envy will reward you by not being a complete asshole. He holds up the little device, wiggling it a bit.]

So, while I've got you here... Would you mind telling me what this is, exactly? I heard someone say it was a phone- [Chuckling with an odd sort of politeness anyone who knew him would be wary of.] --but I know that can't be right.

text-action

[outrageon]

[Well, someone is watching Envy fail.

Velvet blinks very slowly, watching Envy tippy tippy tippy tap for a while before the secondhand embarrassment becomes too unbearable.]

...So like, are you trying to break it? Cos just chucking it in the fountain would be like, a million times easier than whatever you're doing right now.

[infinitecruelty]

[The spines on his back tremble and rise like the hackles of a beast, that flippantly snide tone tugging at the remnants of his patience.]

My, aren't you the helpful one. [He cuts his violet eyes towards the source of the "help," not turning his head. The grip on his phone tightens, threatening to crack the screen.]

Are you giving out those obnoxious opinions for free? Because I'm fresh outta cens.

[outrageon]

[Oh nice! A bitch! Velvet was bored.

She rolls her eyes, lifting her own phone to start tapping on it and addressing Envy in a bored, unaffected monotone;]

Whatever. Flail around then.

[And then lifts her phone in a fashion that might be peculiar to Envy, like... holding a camera?]

Hold that pose for me— perfect.

[infinitecruelty]

[The flash goes off and he winces, taking a moment to blink away the afterimage with a sneer.]

Hey! What the hell did you just do?! [He looks down at his arms, his chest, lap and legs... nothing seems to be affected or otherwise changed, but something still doesn't feel right.]

What was that?