heckinooc | TDM 001!!

[ SEE GAME NAVIGATION TO READ UP ON HECK GAME BEFORE PLAYING IF YOU SO DESIRE ]

A) MAY I OFFER U PIE IN THIS TRYING TIME(GARDEN LEVEL)
[OOPS YOU DIED. WELCOME TO THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL. If you're new here, have a sheep cherub or imp slap a "HI MY NAME IS--" sticker on you, and frantically explain "DON'T WORRY, WE'RE WORKING ON IT, WE'LL HAVE YOU OUT HERE....AT...SOME POINT..." Wack. Also, you may noticed that your body may or may not have changed. What's up with that??? Who cares, at least you have as spiffy new cell phone! You're also told you're free to take the elevators up to Heaven or down to Hell. Good luck!

In the mean time--join the garden party that's going on! Or at least, it seems like a party?? Except all they are serving is pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. The classics. For you more Carnivorous types, there's stuff like mince pie, and...the name is smudged, but maybe don't eat that one unless you're a cannibal.

But along with a variety of normal pies, if you accidentally eat a weird pie, your character might experience the following:
Vinegar Pie - It's tasty but suddenly you're compelled to blurt out an Insult or ruthlessly tease the next person you see.
"Sweet" Potato - If you're a normally grumpy or aggro character, this pie will suddenly make you want to be more affectionate! This can be anything from wanting to hold hands or saying genuine nice things.
Humble Pie - Suddenly you feel complimenting or praising others and might downplay your own achievements, or insult yourself.

You can probably shake off the effects, but hey. Free pie!! ]

B) LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE (HELL LEVEL)
[TIME TO EXPLORE. Today in the Hell Level, the Hotel (Ho-hell? Helll-tel? Okay just Hotel) it's time for spring cleaning! Wait, didn't they just have that? An Imp says yes, but this is a different type of cleaning. Time to TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!!!

Which is to say, out of no where you might receive a PUNCH in the face by a local, or an imp! If the latter it's like being bapped by a sick little lamb. Still, even if a local punches you, you suddenly heal immediately? That's right, TODAY ONLY, this is a 'get into a scrap injury free' spring holiday, and you can rough house as much as you want with each other today in the Hotel, and NO DAMAGE will remain! Ever wanted to get cut in half and suddenly stitch back together? WELL TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

If you're not into PG rated guro however, why don't you try exploring:
-The clubs! The nightlife in hell is FANTASTIC and genuinely fun!
-Games! Along with casinos galore, there are also normal arcades! Any game you can imagine, it exists.
-Or explore parts of Hell's Hotel that don't involve getting into a dogpile! ]

C) MARCH COMES IN LIKE....(HEAVEN LEVEL)
[TODAY IN HEAVEN THOUGH, there are advertisements for the ZOO!! A zoo in heaven?? Fuck yea!! But when you get there you see nothing but...........lions. And lambs. Just, everywhere. They aren't fighting though, but being super cute and soft and have tiny wings. You can pet them and pick them up--well the lambs at least. The lion might crush you. But you're dead anyway so give it a shot champ!!

Local angels explain that every 'spring' the zoo does this, and it's a sign of good fortune! You might wonder why you need good fortune in Heaven, but fuck it, when it Rome!! If you stick around long enough the zoo will change back to 'normal' and you can find other animals to gawk at.

If zoos aren't your thing though, check out heaven's:
-BEACH!! How is there an ocean and sandy white beach in the sky! Who cares, it's heaven! Beach episode time!
-Coffee shops! There are no coffee shops in hell! LIVE YOUR COFFEE AU DREAMS.
-Or just explore the Heavenly hotel in general!]

D) WILDCARD
[DO WHATEVER ELSE or send text messages on your phone!! ]

OOC NOTES:
-This TDM is open to all! For now, you do NOT need to join the comm to play in it!
-Post questions for the mods here
-Remember, playing in the TDM does NOT guarantee your entry or app being accepted into the game proper later down the line!
-Apps open next Sunday! Be sure to read the rules linked there and check the current taken list!
-For current players: TDMs count as game canon AND threads may be used for AC if you wish!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Paracelsus's arm flops uselessly beside him as he groans, not about to fight it any further. That's...fine, he didn't want the help he asked for anyway!! He's not sure why he expected any of this would be easy in the first place, and he supposes that also includes getting someone to lend a hand.]

In what way was any of that supposed to be dancing...?

[Actually, no, he doesn't actually want to know. In fact, now that he's rolled enough to get onto his back, Paracelsus can just sit himself up and go from there. Honestly, what was he expecting from, um, random spider demons?

...Who tower over him even as he continues to get up.]

Oh wow, you are way taller than what I was expecting.

[Surely he didn't get shorter????]

Modern dance. It's supposed to look fuckin' stupid, that's the whole point. [Angel watches the guy slooowly get up, then laughs, flashing a toothy grin.]

I get that a lot. Specially since showin' up here. You got all your bones where you s'posed to, shortie?

[Okay, not crazy about the nicknames, but you know what? A part of him can't help but wonder how much his old self would've loved to be wielded by an 8ft tall spider demon. On one hand, it sounds absolutely intimidating on paper, on the other...this guy looks like he can snap like a twig...

...Not that any of that matters anymore. It wouldn't have mattered if he was still an axe, and it sure doesn't matter now that he has........................bones?]

I honestly have no idea!

[Despite his smile, there is an undeniable fear in his eyes. Like he's one step away from a breakdown. ....but that may also just be a normal day for him.]

Please don't tell me that's something I need to keep track of now.

[HE'S PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.]

[Looks can be deceiving, tumblr sexyman. This bad boy can fit so much ~~trauma~~ dick inside him. Angel polishes off his drink, tossing the glass over one shoulder and assuming a very serious look.]

Uhhhh, you drivin' that thing without a license? Where the fuck is your pancreas, mister. You can't just be runnin' around with an unaccounted-for pancreas.

[Oh god, why do humans need to have so many organs??? Paracelsus sweats as he looks down at his torso, as if trying to mentally map out his innards. He's certainly cut up a lot of people back in the day, but it's not like he took the time to learn what was inside there. Sure, he knows the basic shit, but it's not like people ever talk about the pancreas of battle.

Paracelsus can't hide the panic in his eyes as he looks back up at Angel, he's not a fan of being put on the spot like this. One cannot actually say "???" but the "???" is heavily implied when he takes a shot in the dark and points at......his crotch.

He's pretty sure it's called something like that-]

...ya know what, you nailed it. [Angel grins brightly, patting the guy on the shoulder a couple times and nodding, looking for all the world like the proudest teacher in the world.] I knew you were smart. That there's a pancreas if ever I seen one.

Just keep track'a that and you're golden, sweetcheeks.

[Wait, what, he got it first try?! Well damn, maybe he knows more about the human body than he realizes.]

You say that like it's going to go somewhere!!

Well, what do I know? [Angel widens his eyes, blinking a few times, the picture of innocence.] I'm just hangin' out and I see ya slitherin' all over like a slug. Maybe your pancreas is gonna just jump off an start runnin'!

[screaming internally]

W-Well then what do I do to keep it from doing that?!

Ehhh, theories vary, yaknow? Big field'a scientific study. Some folks say gluten-free, some say eye of newt, some say hot yoga. Personally I think blood sacrifice's the only way to go.

No, no! No blood, please!

[Everything was so nonsensical up until that last suggestion, it hits him like a goddamn truck.]

I-I'll do yoga!! [A pause.] ........What's yoga?

Ugh, fine, if you wanna be borin'. [Someday Angel will find someone willing to commit The Horrors with him.

But this is also a good option.] Stretchin' all over the place. I'll show ya when I ain't wearin' a suit. Gotta wear real hot, sexy, pancreas-accentuatin' pants for yoga.

[Some people are just over committing The Horrors-

Oh no. Oh nooooo. He wanted a solution, but he didn't want a sexy solution. He shakes his head like a kid who just got told to finish their green beans.]

You know what? I think I'm alright having it fall off.

Ya sure? I hear it's excruciatin'. Like gettin' eaten by pirahnas or some shit. [Angel sighs, patting the guy on the shoulder.] But hey, your pancreas, your choice. Hope ya don't get gangrene.

TDM 001!!

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SCREECHES

he's TERRIBLE

truly he is unredeemable

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