heckinooc | TDM 001!!

TDM 001!!

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A) MAY I OFFER U PIE IN THIS TRYING TIME(GARDEN LEVEL)
[OOPS YOU DIED. WELCOME TO THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL. If you're new here, have a sheep cherub or imp slap a "HI MY NAME IS--" sticker on you, and frantically explain "DON'T WORRY, WE'RE WORKING ON IT, WE'LL HAVE YOU OUT HERE....AT...SOME POINT..." Wack. Also, you may noticed that your body may or may not have changed. What's up with that??? Who cares, at least you have as spiffy new cell phone! You're also told you're free to take the elevators up to Heaven or down to Hell. Good luck!

In the mean time--join the garden party that's going on! Or at least, it seems like a party?? Except all they are serving is pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. The classics. For you more Carnivorous types, there's stuff like mince pie, and...the name is smudged, but maybe don't eat that one unless you're a cannibal.

But along with a variety of normal pies, if you accidentally eat a weird pie, your character might experience the following:
Vinegar Pie - It's tasty but suddenly you're compelled to blurt out an Insult or ruthlessly tease the next person you see.
"Sweet" Potato - If you're a normally grumpy or aggro character, this pie will suddenly make you want to be more affectionate! This can be anything from wanting to hold hands or saying genuine nice things.
Humble Pie - Suddenly you feel complimenting or praising others and might downplay your own achievements, or insult yourself.

You can probably shake off the effects, but hey. Free pie!! ]

B) LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE (HELL LEVEL)
[TIME TO EXPLORE. Today in the Hell Level, the Hotel (Ho-hell? Helll-tel? Okay just Hotel) it's time for spring cleaning! Wait, didn't they just have that? An Imp says yes, but this is a different type of cleaning. Time to TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!!!

Which is to say, out of no where you might receive a PUNCH in the face by a local, or an imp! If the latter it's like being bapped by a sick little lamb. Still, even if a local punches you, you suddenly heal immediately? That's right, TODAY ONLY, this is a 'get into a scrap injury free' spring holiday, and you can rough house as much as you want with each other today in the Hotel, and NO DAMAGE will remain! Ever wanted to get cut in half and suddenly stitch back together? WELL TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

If you're not into PG rated guro however, why don't you try exploring:
-The clubs! The nightlife in hell is FANTASTIC and genuinely fun!
-Games! Along with casinos galore, there are also normal arcades! Any game you can imagine, it exists.
-Or explore parts of Hell's Hotel that don't involve getting into a dogpile! ]

C) MARCH COMES IN LIKE....(HEAVEN LEVEL)
[TODAY IN HEAVEN THOUGH, there are advertisements for the ZOO!! A zoo in heaven?? Fuck yea!! But when you get there you see nothing but...........lions. And lambs. Just, everywhere. They aren't fighting though, but being super cute and soft and have tiny wings. You can pet them and pick them up--well the lambs at least. The lion might crush you. But you're dead anyway so give it a shot champ!!

Local angels explain that every 'spring' the zoo does this, and it's a sign of good fortune! You might wonder why you need good fortune in Heaven, but fuck it, when it Rome!! If you stick around long enough the zoo will change back to 'normal' and you can find other animals to gawk at.

If zoos aren't your thing though, check out heaven's:
-BEACH!! How is there an ocean and sandy white beach in the sky! Who cares, it's heaven! Beach episode time!
-Coffee shops! There are no coffee shops in hell! LIVE YOUR COFFEE AU DREAMS.
-Or just explore the Heavenly hotel in general!]

D) WILDCARD
[DO WHATEVER ELSE or send text messages on your phone!! ]

OOC NOTES:
-This TDM is open to all! For now, you do NOT need to join the comm to play in it!
-Post questions for the mods here
-Remember, playing in the TDM does NOT guarantee your entry or app being accepted into the game proper later down the line!
-Apps open next Sunday! Be sure to read the rules linked there and check the current taken list!
-For current players: TDMs count as game canon AND threads may be used for AC if you wish!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I noticed that! The no coffee thing. It really is a shame. If they don't want Hell's citizens up here, maybe it should be made available! What a concept.

[ and yeah, friend tastes acrid in his mouth and he literally goes 'bleagh' about it once the angels are scurrying away.

then he's shrugging, not really looking at alastor but watching where the angels disappeared to. it's clear he doesn't expect a thank you in the first place. ]

Hah! I'm aware. But then the coffee shop would actually be understaffed. Besides! I may not like you, but I like Heaven even less. Even this strange facsimile of it. Hell may be an awful, horrible place, but it's... Well. It is what it is!

[ he finally looks over at him, head tilted again. curious, almost: it's not friendly, but it's not overtly hostile either. ]

They made a mistake letting me back in, even if it's just this shithole. If I can't get rid of this halo, well! May as well have some fun with it.

[ this is a man approximately one pixel away from a mental breakdown about the being an angel again thing. ]

What a concept, indeed.

[Either way, Alastor's body language relaxes a bit, ears now in an erect position and tail swishing slowly. Lucifer is... well, not quite an "enemy", but something like one... but at least he's familiar. Even Alastor gets weary of the passive aggressive jabs and cruel glances he gets whenever he heads up to Heaven.]

Hah! We're at least honest with ourselves in Hell. [his eyes flick up to the halo. He taps it with his staff and it makes a pleasant ringing sound] Mmm. It's a bit underwhelming for "the most beautiful of all God's angels", but thus far everything about this knock-off afterlife has been.

[ a tiny vindictive part of lucifer thinks about how it's all nothing compared to what he went through after the fall. but that's not important and doesn't stay on his mind long.

he grimaces at the ringing of the halo, reaching up to stop the sound before it gets on his nerves again. ]

Oh, if it was the whole shebang like back in the day, I probably would have exploded.

[ mildly. suspiciously mildly. ]

It does stick around a lot better than the real thing did, haha! I can't tell you how many of these things I've tossed, but it keeps coming back!

Well, I'm sure it was quite the vision. Probably enough to sear a mere mortal's eyes out, hm? And that seems to be the way with whatever nonsense the little sheeple have decided we need. [he swishes his tail into his open hand] This appendage, for instance! Care to guess how many times I've sliced it off, only for it to grow back? Like a weed.

Oh, that's adjustable. I would've been pretty useless in the Garden if all I did was sear their eyes out!

[ he rocks on the balls of his feet, glancing over at alastor's tail. ]

Oh, dozens at least. [ sounds like he's speaking from experience. then he grins, tilting his head toward alastor. ]

I want to test something. Go ahead. Break it. Let's see if it sticks that way! Also, it's quite the show. These shitheads deserve the scare.

Fancy~

[he nods in response] At the very least. I've given at least two or three of them to Niffty to use as feather dusters.

[he peers up at the halo again, then puts his hand to his chest] Really? You're offering such an exciting endeavor? Well then. I suppose these little fools could use a bit of entertainment.

[he's not sure he should touch it with his bare hands, though, so he summons a pair of shadow tentacles. He snatches the halo away with one of them and then looks at it closely for a moment. Then he looks back at Lucifer] ... This isn't going to kill me, is it? Lulling me into a false sense of security?

What can I say, I'm feeling generous!

[ and he thinks it'll be funny, and he's genuinely curious if it'll stick. and if it does, the entertainment alastor gets from it will be enough lucifer won't feel endebted to him. a win-win!

having shadow tentacles grabbing it does feel much weirder than hands though and a brief, almost imperceptible shudder runs through him before he squints up at alastor and waves a hand dismissively. ]

Even if it were the real thing it wouldn't! You wouldn't be able to break it, likely, but this one should be fine.

[ if alastor does go through with it, the crack is so loud the windows rattle but there's no other physical blowback; the glow will melt away and the metal will go dull in the grasp of the tentacles.

lucifer's eyes will flash red, sharp and bright and, for a moment, triumphant as flames lick up the sides of his face, eyes glowing, horns growing, the snake on his hat lifting as a sickening approximation of what the halo once was—and then, an audible pop yet again as a new halo pops into existence and his eyes flick back to blue as everything goes back to "normal." ]

Oh, come on!

[ the barista bringing out alastor's order drops it in the chaos, but lucifer sighs and flicks out a wing to catch it before it crashes to the ground. ]

Well. It was worth a shot!

[He seems a bit skeptical, but... in the end, he can't resist the urge to destroy something beautiful. He wraps both tentacles around it and breaks it in two. The crack makes his ears ring, but it is very satisfying.

It loses its light and its ring, little more than two pieces of weird metal, now. He watches Lucifer regain his demonic form, only for it to vanish just as quickly.

Ah.

So that's what this is about.

The King of Hell isn't comfortable in his own skin anymore, it seems. Unfortunate.

The wing catches a cardboard box with some coffee grinders in it. A pair of other workers bring out another box, this one with some simple brewers, and two 50 lb bags of roasted beans. They set them down and quickly scurry back off]

Took them long enough. [he puts the pieces of the broken halo inside his jacket, then snaps his fingers. Two of his larger shadow minions appear and pick up the heavy items for him] I shan't be staying here any longer than necessary. [he turns his smile on the first barista, sclera black and antlers grown to twisted branches] And I trust the next time I have to pick up supplies, I won't be made to w̷̥̆̎̉à̵̢͓i̷̩̼̋̃̾t̵̢̑̕͝ ̷̙̳̇͠q̷̫̘̓̉͝ȗ̸͍i̵̡̛͎̍̈́͜ț̸̔́͜ͅė̷̪̓̓ ̸̻̦̥͌̾s̶̢̨̻̍ǫ̷̌͋ ̶̧̡̲̊ľ̴̼͉͝o̸͎̱̒͑̔n̷̛͙̑͊g̶̢͙̀̊͜.̷̫͒͐

[between his intimidation and Lucifer's little show, it seems the coffee shop workers have gotten the hint. The barista nods a little too enthusiastically, shrinking away and sweating]

Splendid.

[ to be fair, lucifer is slowly getting used to having it again. but it does feel like ants crawling under his skin to know it's there, and frankly, alastor knowing that is a horrible thing, to be true, but in this place it really won't matter.

and, just like that, lucifer is back to normal. for real normal, at least in expression, as he goes back to sucking loudly at the straw of his drink, purposely as annoying as possible.

he watches alastor's show with very slightly raised eyebrows, then shrugs. honestly, the angels in this cafe deserve it.

he waits for alastor to start leaving before he trails out after him, considering his words thoughtfully before he speaks. ]

You know, none of those angels are high-ranking enough for their halos to be any more sturdy than that. I wonder what would happen if—

[ —then he hears himself. yikes! he waves off the thought and the words with a hand like so much smoke in the air and then sighs. ]

Well, at least one coffee shop had the fear of Hell put into them!

[thankfully, nothing really matters much here. Alastor calls it a forced vacation, but he does appreciate freedom from responsibilities. No hotel, no deals, no exterminations... He doesn't appreciate being kidnapped into some sort of paperwork crisis, but he has to admit he's enjoying himself.

Alastor leaves, Lucifer trailing behind and the buff shadow minions behind him -- one easily carries both bags and the other carries the boxes]

[even though Lucifer trails off, Al enjoys that train of thought and continues--] I wonder indeed! Perhaps something to investigate if they decide to give me trouble on future trips. Otherwise, I find most organisms can't live without their heads. [a laugh] And it's a chain! Hopefully they'll spread the word. [he keeps walking, toward the hotel and the elevator that will take him home] ... Unfortunately, you may receive similar treatment down below. The heaven-natives are passive aggressive to demons, but the denizens of this hell are more likely to try and pull pranks on you --trip you into a puddle, splash you with blood, give you a "wedgie". Childish nonsense.

Hm! I regret saying anything at all.

[ however... ]

You know, usually, I'd at least try to pretend to be put out that you're a villainous psychopath but you know what? They're angels. I don't care!

[ as far as what goes on in hell, he considers a moment before shrugging. ]

I'll deal with it when the time comes. And as far as pranks go, those are pretty mild... Not to say that some of them don't get freaky about it! I don't doubt that from denizens of Hell for a single second. [ then, a little wry: ] It's not like I can call anyone out for having a chip on their shoulder about 'Heavenly beings.'

Ah, so murder is ok as long as it's someone you personally don't like. Excellent standards, your majesty. Try not to worry your little head too much, though -- I've never killed anyone who didn't deserve it.

[at least a little bit. he has standards, Lucifer! He won't kill just ANY joe blow off the street]

That's all I've seen, at least. As far as Hells go, this one is... hm... PG-13? Yes, that seems accurate.

Eh, they're from Heaven, they probably deserve it! That said, I'm mostly ambivalent to that kind of thing these days, but, you know, Charlie and her ideals, I have to at least try for her sake.

[ strangely mildly, for the words he's saying. he does arch an eyebrow slightly at the claim though, crossing his arms over his chest. ]

One of those killers, huh? Got your own special little moral code that tells you who it's okay to kill? I'd ask but I'm not sure I want to know.

[ somehow it doesn't sound mocking, but it does sound like he's heard it countless times before. ]

PG-13 Hell? That's... A new one. As in the people aren't as bad or it's just the same thing but wildly censored so young teens can watch it without parental supervision?

It's hard to maintain standards after centuries of hopeless depression, I assume. [oof, called out, Lucifer!! But he actually sounds a bit empathetic??? weird] Ha ha!!! I won't bore you, sir.

[he hums thoughtfully, nodding] A little of column A, a bit of column B. It just seems tamer. They're shocked by cannibalism! Shocked! When our Hell has an entire town devoted to it. Ha!

[ weird! he hates it. ] Centuries is being generous!

[ it's a joke. see. it's funny when you joke about it.

anyway, he gives alastor a look that's half aghast, half disbelieving. ]

They're shocked by cannibalism? Where... Where do they think cannibals go when they die? Alastor. Where do they think the cannibals go.

[why is he so shocked. why is this the thing that breaks him???? He stops walking and turns to give Lucifer a quizzical look]

I...? Don't know...? [

]You have met the little worms in sheep's clothing, have you not? I'm not sure anything more significant than manslaughter even exists in the version of Earth this afterlife serves. [he waves a hand and goes back to walking] Besides, I was talking about demons eating other demons, nothing about living humans!

It's just weird, Alastor! This whole place is weird!

The sheep? No, no. Those are what all cherubs are like, unfortunately. Cherubim... Yeagh. So saccharine and not very smart. So no, that level of intelligence and ineptitude is on par with back home.

[ stupid little sheep. but he does fall back into step, considering. ]

Nothing worse than manslaughter... This is Hell for babies. Hah! I can see how that's going to become an issue ve-he-hery quickly if they keep bringing people from the real Hell in. Especially if it's not even humans eating other humans that upset them, but demons eating other demons! That's just a thing. It's a gross thing, partial offense intended, but it's still a thing that's way less extreme than what I was assuming they were clutching their idiot pearls about.

Ha! You don't have to tell me, I've been here several weeks now. No... months, actually. [he puts his hand to his head] Time flies when you're surrounded by fools.

[Cherubs? Ugh. Well, that explains the little blue one. But what of the demonic one? A fallen cherub? Was such a thing even possible?] They're about as vapid as a piece of cardboard. [and have about that much nutritional value]

No offense, partial or otherwise, taken. Hell for babies... that sounds about right. I would hope that those from our Hell would take the opportunity to try something different, but that is expecting quite a lot from them.

Months? Yikes! So that means they're picking and choosing people from different times too, huh? Because you were right there being as annoying as usual when I remember last.

[ he's so cheery about it. it's almost like annoying means nothing anymore. but, well, as far as the cherubs go, he nods. ] That's just what they're like, Alastor. I don't know what to tell you. Even the Big Guy makes mistakes, and one of those mistakes was cherubs. Actually, He makes a lot of mistakes, but what do I know! Look where that got me!

[ he actually doesn't seem to be saying that in a mental breakdown kind of way. it's more conversational than that. ]

I do think expecting creativity from them is asking a lot, but I also haven't seen... Have you noticed that it's mostly people we know? There are a few different ones, but for the most part, it's just people from the hotel. Sure, the Prince, some imps, Oz, Oz's clown, etcetera. There's just a whole lot of, well. Notable people.

Interesting. [What a pain. All this interdimensional timey-wimey nonsense is a little above his pay-grade -- in that he does not want to think that hard. It makes his head hurt.]

Then why keep them around, if they're so useless? Everyone makes mistakes, even the "Big Guy"... but one should also fix mistakes. Maybe He is charmed by their... uniqueness. Kings keep jesters, after all. [or, you know. God is an unknowable eldritch entity to even His first creations and trying to understand Him is an exercise in futility. Something something bible.]

[As Lucifer keeps talking, Alastor stops and turns around to look at him, placing both hands on top of his cane, folded on top of one another. He has a good point -- but he wants to hear Lucifer put his thoughts into concrete words] And what exactly is it you're implying, Your Majesty?

The fact that you're acting like the cherubs are the only morons in my extended, estranged family is being extremely kind to the Heavenly Host. Just because they're not as useless...

[ ah, but he's rambling. ]

We'll go with the jesters part for ease and not having to think about fucking ineffable plans ever again. [ mutter mutter fucking planned bullshit using people as puppets mutter mutter

he pauses when alastor does, crossing his arms over his chest and shrugging. ]

Don't make me bust out a conspiracy theory board, Alastor. The concept was brought up to me of Heaven intervening by creating this alternate existence to make sure to get myself and those associated with me out of the way. I discounted it wholesale because the only person with enough power to do that is my shitty absentee father that's too lazy to do such a thing, but now, well, like I said. Conspiracy theory board.

Edited (i keep typoing im sorry) 2024-05-13 23:13 (UTC)

[Alastor is silent for a long moment, just staring at Lucifer with an unreadable expression. Finally, after what seems like forever (but is really just a few seconds), he tosses his head back and laughs. He laughs for a few seconds before it trails off and he wipes a tear of mirth from his eye]

Oh!!! Oh my... Now I see where Charlie gets it from. Such silly, wacky nonsense! Hooooooo. [a hand flap that becomes him fanning himself] If the almighty wanted you and me and the rest of the little thorns in his side out of the way, I'm sure he'd just send down one of your brothers to deal with us. Ha... Making an entire alternate universe as a cage. Foolishness. [he waves his hand dismissively and turns back around to keep walking.

But.

Despite his words, the idea sticks in his brain, like an annoying piece of lint on a fine coat. It was completely ridiculous... It would be so much work for gnats that an Archangel could swat in a moment. Even Lucifer would have trouble standing against his heavenly siblings, and sinners wouldn't last even a second. And what of the people from other worlds?

... But. What if God were just as ridiculous and clownish as Lucifer...? What if. What if.

Alastor is angry that he hadn't thought of it.]

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TDM 001!!

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